A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
