oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
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