Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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