yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
