i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
