Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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