she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize