A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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