the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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