Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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