I'm drive I can fine osifer
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
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