i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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