I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I want you more than these girls want KFC
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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