after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
