Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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