Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Vodka?
Forever.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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