And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
therell be strippers and coke right?
no strippers. just coke.
i hate this fuckin recession
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
