i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
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