I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
