Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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