New low: just hacked my moms facebook
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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