He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
