I ahte it when I peed a little on my shews. I got a litll bit on the automen in your room too.:/
Tracy!! I don't have an ottoman in my room.
Ohhh....do you have a dog shaped liek un automan?
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
he laminated a picture of his dick.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
