her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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