Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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