When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Someone came in the potted fern
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Randomize
