All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
