so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Randomize