So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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