So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
The best revenge is premature balding
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
