i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Randomize
