kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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