I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
