Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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