last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Randomize
