in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Randomize