i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
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