i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Come back. Shots need mouths.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Randomize
