I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Randomize