oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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