I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
