I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Randomize
