smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
