Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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