I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize