??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
