I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
