I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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