i always forget guys have bellybuttons
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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