apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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