Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Randomize
