she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize