i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
