I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
