I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
